i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
