yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
