I'm so fucking centered right now
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You're like the curious george of whores
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
