Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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