So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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