I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.