I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS