On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I need to calm my uterus...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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