She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
