3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
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We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
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I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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