Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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