Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
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But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just found puke in my bra..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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