You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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