I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
