I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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