Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
