i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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