I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
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I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
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My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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