why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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