he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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