I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
