In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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