i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
