My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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