Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
