it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
