my phone needs a breathalizer
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
