I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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