Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
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She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
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Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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