He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
