You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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