$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
