You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
