There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She's the barista slut.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
