I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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