tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
