if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Randomize
