I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
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I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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