He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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