its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
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so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
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True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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