I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
