You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
