did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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