I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
