i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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