i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
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Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
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Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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