my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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