I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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