party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
