My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
