I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
