i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
