I think im going to throw up on grandma
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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