Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
