I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Randomize
