I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
