we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
