2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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