when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
